Hope springs

A couple of weeks of glorious blue skies, bright sun, and balmy weather (bar today) seem to herald spring in this grey and damp little island. As the temperature gets warmer, the days longer, my working hours shorter, and my weekends freer, I find that I'm falling in love with my city again.

A stroll in the park, a comedy night and clubbing in Balham, a walk along the river, a browse around the Tate Modern, a highly entertaining understated British slapstick comedy, and duck rice at a new Chinese restaurant...

I feel like I'm being wooed by my city in the most quaint, old-fashioned of ways, where each date brings a new discovery, highlights a new facet of my would-be lover. My heart is lifted, my step is sprightlier, because this spring, like all new beginnings, brings hope.

Life and death

A few weeks ago, I suddenly felt like calling my mom - it'd been a while - so I did. I had caught her crying and asked what was wrong.

Apparently she had just gotten news that one of her old friends had passed away of cancer. She had been fairly close to this girl back in her nursing school days. But somehow they had lost touch after nursing school, and she happened to get back in contact with the girl Bernice a couple of years back, through a mutual friend. They called and spoke to each other very occasionally. My mom said she had thought of calling her again recently, but ended up not doing so for several different minor reasons and thought she had time anyway, that the cancer wasn't at an advanced stage. But now, it was too late.

The past couple of years haven't been easy for my mom. In 2005 (I think), her mother, my grandmother, had passed away of cancer. Then Auntie Alice, my old neighbour, had also passed away of cancer. Next came one of my aunts, the one my mom was closest to on my dad's side of the family, committed suicide. And now, this girlhood friend of hers.

She had felt really alone. I asked her to give me a ring in future if she felt depressed or lonely. If she just gave me a quick call, I'd ring her back and we could talk.

I didn't want her to feel all alone. Sometimes I feel lonely and depressed too. But that's a different kind of loneliness from one where it seems that one by one your friends on you. And her baby had left the nest. I was at a loss. I wanted to reach out somehow, to hug her, to make her feel less lonely, to let her feel like her has support, that I'm there for her. But I'm not.

My mom sometimes talks of moving back to her hometown to live with her sister once she retires. And I'm like: how about Papa?

She can't live with him. I can't live with him. But he's my father and I love him. I am torn between my parents, both of whom I love. Between the pain, loneliness and isolation that they both feel. I can see both sides of the story, because I have to, because I can't choose between the two of them. And I hate it.

I hate calling home, because it is always the same thing. It's always the same complaints, bitterness, recriminations. The years have not diluted my mom's bitterness, nor softened my dad's hard edges.

I often wonder why families are so screwed up. I know two other girls from my community here in London, both of whom don't want to go home either. And I wonder why is it that parents damage their children? If you choose to bring a new innocent life into the world, why don't you protect it? And not just physically. Do parents know the harm they do?

Anyway, I digress.

I told my mom to remember, from now on, to cherish her friends, the people she cares for. To try to reach out, call, keep in touch, forgive. To reach out when she thinks of it, and not to put it off - "Another day" - because, who knows what tomorrow may bring? A car could knock you down, the TV could explode and a flying shard might decapitate you.. there are no guarantees in life. Of course here is where I told her to forgive my dad, to let the past go.

And I also wondered: will I lose touch with my old friends? Will it happen to me the way it did to my mom and Bernice? Will there be friends that I lose touch with for more than 20 years, only to meet again much later in life, when maybe it will soon be too late, if we even meet again before we meet our Maker.

How did it happen that my mom lost touch with Bernice? It seems that Bernice was very difficult then, in a tough phase of her life, and so was either aggressive/deliberately isolating herself, so that her friends were rather afraid of approaching her. But that's what friends are supposed to do - to persist anyway. To reach out, nonetheless. Or if that is the time to leave her alone to do her own thing, then friends are supposed to wait for the storm to pass, and be there at the end. You love and forgive - time, distance, wind and storm should be immaterial.

Snippet 1

I have had a nightmare couple of weeks at work with non-stop work (including on weekends) and long lists of to-dos over about 7-8 projects/tasks to juggle with - one day I actually asked someone: what day is it today? Is it Wednesday? - The days had all blended into one another. By the end of the week, I was very highly strung - jittery and practically twitching with nervousness. Someone at work commented: e*, are you okay? you look... you don't just look depressed... you look Destroyed!

On Friday night, I went to the pub downstairs with a couple of colleagues and downed four drinks in about as many minutes. Although admittedly the three vodka cranberries were more cranberry juice than vodka. I needed to unwind pretty badly and more than anything else, wanted to get either wasted or dance till dawn.

But that didn't happen. And because my landlady was expected at our flat yesterday, to finally re-sign our 8-month expired lease, and my room... was a scene of carnage, I crawled out of bed at 6am (!) to clear my room and make it landlady-presentable. It took me upwards of 4 hours to achieve that! Which includes hiding stuff and rearranging as opposed to actually throwing out of old junk (which i still have too much of).

And WOW... what a change it was! I've never my room so neat, or with so much space since I moved in! I really like this actually... but it will take real effort and discipline to maintain it and throw out my junk...

Anyway, now onwards to work!